It’s episode 8 of FBoy Island Australia 2023 and after last night’s elimination, Molly, Sophie and Ziara have three idiots left to choose from.
Since we now know who the FBoys and the nicer FBoys are, it’s now up to the gels to figure out who is the least likely to F them over to potentially be in their top two. But first, we check in on the disregarded f**kwits in Limbro, who are dramatically dying in their cage.
It’s a new day on the Island and the ladies are feeling “torn” because things “are getting real”.
Sophie admits she is happy with her top three: Brown-eyed FBoy Joshy (who has hazel or green eyes but we’ve come this far…), who needs more time to “redeem” himself, Brit Benny and Draco Malfoy a.k.a Justin, who is surprisingly not a complete tool.
Molly then talks about her three main men: Big Mouth Vernon, Cuddle Bear Nick and TV Star Sean. Since we obviously have deducted who her top two will be, Sean is just deadweight at this point. Plus, he basically s**t-shamed Molly during episode seven, so no one is impressed.
Ziara’s final three of Grand High FBoy (GHFB) Caleb, aCToR Cory and Winner* Izaya (*new name) are also null and void since there’s no way in actual hell she’s not picking Izaya.
The Photoshoot
Da boiz visit da gels one metre away at their Villa and a group date about “testing sexual chemistry” with their final three guys is revealed.
“Show us your kink bits” was the name of the game and a box of sex toys was presented to the cast. With only “one shot” to impress the ladies, it was “time to strike a pose”.
First up was Ziara and GHFB in camo gear. They both looked smoking hot and we HATE to see it. Unfortunately, Caleb “really tried”, but “Z” was too focused on getting a great pic to even look at him.
Next was aCToR Cory as a “sexy pirate” and actually, they also looked pretty great together. Ziara said he made everything “really comfortable” before becoming an angel to Winner Izaya’s devil. CAYUTE… which was precisely what Ziara called him. They made out…
NEXT!
Sophie and Brown-eyed FBoy Joshy were next and to say they had the most unflattering and weird photoshoot is an understatement. Basically, Joshy just stalked her like a shark from under the pool while Sophie sat on the edge looking hot. In another next pose, he lay like a starfish while she leaned over him like The Little Mermaid but make it soft-core porn. It was hot AF.
Do they have sexual chemistry? Yes. Would we be down to f**k Joshy? Also yes.
Meanwhile, Joshy had to keep “little Joshy” under control by “thinking of other things”…
“My gynie is on you,” Sophie then told him.
“It’s fine,” he said, looking anywhere but at her. “I’m never washing this knee.” LOL.
Next up was Draco Malfoy, who has clearly done this kind of shoot before, with Sophie walking him around on a leash. Brit Benny was jelly because it was pure fire and seriously, how Draco Justin is not an FBoy, we will never know…
Benny was up next and their photoshoot was… the complete opposite.
“They look like best friends,” Draco Justin said, which sums up the interaction perfectly.
Molly and Cuddle Bear Nick then took on the challenge as cowboys. Firstly, get us a pair of Molly’s boots and secondly, she called him “predictable” because he didn’t know she wanted to be straddled.
Big Mouth Vernon then decided to wear a pink G-banger, and Molly questioned whether he was in fact a 14-year-old man-child. Meanwhile, Cuddle Bear was very jelly.
Anyway, TV Star Sean and Molly did their thing with zero chemistry because basically, she hates him.
The Mixer — Brit Benny vs Draco Malfoy
As the girls walk in slow-mo into the mixer, the guys clink their glasses.
“Cheers big d**ks,” one of them says and we just know this ain’t referring to all of them.
Sophie decided she wanted to give everyone “a chance” tonight, including Brit Benny, who decided it was a great time to throw Draco under the biggest bus he could find. When Sophie probed him, he said that Justin didn’t have the right intentions and blah di blah, bringing up Painter Nico (God, remember him??) and saying that what he said “was true”. OUCH.
(Refresher: “He doesn’t like none of them, girls.”)
Anyway, while GHFB Caleb was getting cozy with Ziara… Draco and Benny decided to punch on…with words. Since Big Mouth Vernon is an actual child, he got up and danced around in excitement.
“You guys cut out exactly what I said,” Draco told Benny, which is weird because they’re not reality TV producers. Apparently, he meant that if there were 24 men IRL chasing one woman, he wouldn’t be interested. HUH?!
Draco Justin then questioned why Benny would bring anything up in front of the cameras, so they decided to walk around the corner…followed by the cameras. Justin was pissed that Benny approached him in some sort of way and they fought over literally nothing.
“You’re a bellend. I think you’re a bellend. End of,” Brit Benny said and for the Aussies in the audience, he basically called Draco “the glans of the penis”. LELz.
“Hold it to yourself and give it to yourself, mate,” Draco Justin said. WUT IS THIS GUY SAYING????
Meanwhile, aCtOr Cory is just sitting there yelling “Jerry, Jerry” and Sophie is all like WTAF?! Idiots. Big Mouth tries to involve himself by asking Sophie a question, but she is fumiiiiing and tells him to “shush”. Apparently, Sophie doesn’t even care if Justin said that because she’s blinded by his peroxide before Benny apologises to her. Then, Justin — who cannot and will not give it a rest — then says: “Oh, now you’re apologising?” and Sophie is so f**king tired of these men.
When asked about what happened in her producer-led interview, Molly had no clue because she’d been too busy making out with Cuddle Bear… we also would have liked to be making out with him, but alas, we had to endure this sh**.
The Single Dates
The next day…
Because these women simply cannot help themselves, they chose to have dates with their remaining FBoys. i.e. Molly and Big Mouth Man-Child Vernon, Sophie with Brown-eyed FBoy Joshy and Ziara with… GHFB Caleb. Ugh.
Sophie and Joshy went snorkelling which was a refreshing relaxation for her after that sh**-fight of a Mixer while Ziara invited GHFB to the villa to talk by the pool. Caleb basically just told her what she wanted to hear and frankly, he just needs to shut up.
Over on Molly’s date, they’re just yelling doing Tantrum Yoga, which is fitting for Vernon since he is a literal child. It’s weird but they seem to love it…or not, because afterwards, Vernon tells the producers that he didn’t like it and that playing with emotions “is a sport”. Fabulous, Vermin* (<— not a mistake, just a *new name). Just freaking fabulous.
“Are you good at that sport?” the producer asked him. “Yeh,” he said. FMAL.
Elimination Night — The Final One
Instead of picking a bottom two, host Abbie Chatfield tells everyone that tonight, the girls will be picking a Top Two rather than sending the FBoys to Limbro where they belong.
We then hear from each of Molly’s men about why they think they’re the right person and the only thing of note is the music playing behind Cuddle Bear’s declaration. Sean gets the boot because he just wants to be on TV and Vermin does another little happy dance.
After Draco, Brit Benny and Brown-eyed FBoy Joshy say their peace, Sophie gets rid of Benny because she’s a glutton for punishment.
Ziara then chooses Winner Izaya and aCToR Cory for her final two and HALLELUJAH, it’s finally time to say goodbye to our Grandest of FBoys Caleb.
“I thought I was going to win,” he tells the cameras. “I worked my ass off..”
Luckily, he’s as self-aware as he is cocky because he knows he didn’t change for one goddamn second.
Until the finale…
FBoy Island Australia 2023 is streaming now on Binge.
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