We return to paradise realising that the ghost of paradise, Laurina, has finally been exorcised from the lives of our bachelors and bachelorettes, and none of them really care that she’s gone.
We are then greeted by Megan and Jake spelling out the Jarrod and Kiera dynamic with some weird hand touching that has us feeling a bit awkward.
We get to Kiera and Jarrod having a bit of a pow wow where Jarrod talks about Kiera not respecting him – even though he went for Ali before Daniel was even at paradise. He is like a pirate without a wooden leg to stand on at this point. We can all see his hook hand and silver tongue.
Kiera then friend zones Jarrod and he seems to be quite happy about it. So are we because we all know that Jarrod is a stage-five clinger, waiting for another blonde to walk into paradise. Good riddance.
Simone finally GETS A DATE, the very first in her Bachelor career. She then asks Jarrod out, and the entire Australian population screams “WHY?” at their television screams, in unison. Dammit Simone, this will probably be the one and only date that you ever go on in paradise.
Jarrod seems to have one type at this point: blonde and not Kiera.
The 7:30pm timeslot for this show is definitely questionable at this point, as we are exposed to erotic paddleboard yoga with an overly ripe tomato and a British girl. Almost sounds like two girls one cup if you ask me.
Jarrod then tries to carry her to the paddle board, gets there and drops her by accident in the water. Classy.
They then play a game of Simon Says where they start to lean and grind on each other where, as Simone put it, ‘it’s slightly like porn,’ and we all agree. Why do they have these dates that are just so awkward, and why do they always include Jarrod?
Eloura and Eden have a quick chat about where the garden of Eden is at with Nina. They discuss why they haven’t kissed yet and what their plans are moving forward. I can feel the editors adding some foreshadowing into this episode and we cannot wait to see the results.
Back to Jarrod and Simone where they have food, chairs and more alcohol. They seem to have an endless supply of cocktails and it has me wondering what the criteria is to get on this show. A holiday to Fiji, unlimited cocktails, the chance to find love, this sounds like a great time for someone who is painfully lonely and enjoys alcohol. So basically at least 98% of Australians.
Jarrod seems to have a signature move when he wants to kiss someone. He starts off with a smile, then asks the girl to kiss him, smiles again and then eats her face. So romantic.
As we set up for the rose ceremony things start to get interesting. Kiera goes over to Jarrod and completely IGNORES him. You go, Kiz. She then tries to convince Michael to give her a rose to stay in the competition and he wants to change it up and pick Lisa who is with Luke at this point. This is going to make things extremely interesting.
Luke basically shoots himself in the foot by saying that he’d talk to other people if they tickled his fancy, and Lisa gets quite upset. Luke then gets pissed at Lisa because she wants to explore her feelings with Michael. Michael then struts on over and quickly ushers Lisa away for a chat. Basically, the bro code is being broken (FINALLY) and the bois have no idea how to handle it. Welcome to love my friends.
We then get to see Michael and Lisa’s handshake – literally one that we all dream of having with our partners or best friends.
Kiera then begins breaking down. She believes she’s going home after becoming so vulnerable and putting herself out there which is extremely admirable of her. She is being so authentic and open that we do kind of feel sorry for her in this situation, which is surprising because she is such a big character.
At this point, Eden is finally having to make a choice between Nina or Eloura. And they eventually have a big huge fight in the garden of Eden where the story is flipped and . . .
After a five-year monologue, he decides to take a bite of the alluring forbidden fruit of Eloura.
The progression of roses is quite boring UNTIL Michael surprises us with a deep and meaningful monologue. He chooses Lisa, which makes us all shook, and she bloody accepts it. Luke looks distraught. Not knowing what to do he picks Kiera and she breaks down into tears again sending Nina to the house.
Eden tries to talk to Nina but gets immediately shut down, which is bloody hilarious. We end the episode with a bitter Nina mentioning that Eden is only into girls that put out. Lovely.