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Bachelor In Paradise Recap Episode 7

6 minutes to read

We step out of the rose ceremony and are quickly reminded that Laurina chose American Jared over Daniel the Candaian because she is a smart intelligent woman who don’t need no man. We also find out quickly that everyone thinks of Laurina as the ghost of Paradise. She enjoys her personal space, reading books, putting on excessive amounts of make-up, and sleeping, all of which is quite normal when you compare Paradise to the outside world.

The next morning, everyone is ushered to a hardcore beach ball game that is literally being played so the guys can show the correct way to play with balls. Just like this scene, this whole episode is a collection of innuendos that are either misplaced or extremely weird.

Anywho, the alluring goddess Eloura is back and she’s already spinning all types of fire up in Paradise. She pulls aside each of the men to talk to and gets repetitively shut down one by one.

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Megan immediately shows interest in Eloura, but we’re unsure if Elora is that way inclined towards her. Jakey the snakey then gets taken aside by Eloura while Megan starts to fantasise about Eloura taking her out on a date.

Eloura eventually buckles after being rejected next to one thousand times and goes after bisexual Megan, who goes along for the ride. Or so we think. The break provides us with some much-needed suspense and then we find out that Eloura is allured to Jakey the snakey and we’re all a little bit disappointed, but not more so then Megan. The power of editing.

As Laurina said, “trouble-maker” and we all think so too. At this point, Megan is looking like a crazy old woman, sipping away her sorrows and slowly swinging to the sound of her own crying.

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Surprisingly, Jakey the snakey is actually looking genuine for once on this show when he declines Eloura’s invitation for a date. With nowhere left to turn, Eloura goes for resident pretty boy Michael and Leah is not impressed. Leah’s face smile is the best thing on the planet: it’s a mix of disappointment with an overwhelming bucket of sass and anger.

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On the date, Michael mentions that size matters and we all just cringe a little bit on the inside. Kinky glass rolling. Blowing, rolling, rubbing. Too many innuendos, if you closed your eyes at this point and only listened, the glass would be taken out of the equation and we’d be left with just the blowing. We do not need that visual.

Leah, with nowhere else to turn, sinks her fangs into American Jared. Who is kind of like Bachelor in Paradise’s resident camp councillor, talking to everyone about their problems and trying to dissolve situations. I like him. He good and loyal.

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Simone then strolls right on in with her adorable accent. Do we need to be reminded of the horror that was Matty J? Simone gets Jarrod all excited with her entrance and Keira turns from bubbly to sudsy as she deflates when another blonde walks in, wanting to steal her man.

Literally the episode after Jarrod was crying about Keira meeting other people, Jarrod goes off and tries to talk to Simone. Like Keira, I think we are all questioning Jarrod genuineness on this show because he really is like a lost puppy dog.

We then go back to the date at hand with Michael and Eloura and they start to talk about how she started fire dancing. She tells him about the rituals of sacrificing men into the volcanoes of Hawaii and lighting their limbs on fire and dancing with them. Michael seems into it and thinks their relationship is off to a bang. However, he later walks back to the group and tells them that she’s not his type. Literally changes his mind like he changes his clothes.

Hurricane Keira then arrives in full fury as Grant begins to stir the pot and plants seeds in Jarrod’s head about Keira. This is quite ironic considering Jarrod’s pot plant fiasco back last year. She then goes off on a rampage which Jarrod calls cute and attractive (and is also extremely irritating). We’re going to have start calling these two the flip floppers because I have no clue which way they’re going to react to each other.

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Megan then runs in with a date card in hand and says that it’s for Laurina. She has a heart attack as she is midway through her thirty-two-part facial. She then asks for production as she gets extremely irritable and angry, crying and whining about how she wants to go to sleep instead of going on a date.

At this point, Sam does the best witchy old lady accent and we can all see how similar it is to Laurina and her own voice. She throws in the towel and goes to go eat a dirty street pie.

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That’s it for this episode, we’re all so keen for the rose ceremony tomorrow as there are sure to be fireworks.