It’s episode five of FBoy Island Australia 2023 and over in the Nice Guy Grotto it’s face masks and cucumbers for all. While they were living it up in a life of luxury, over in Limbro, school was in session.
Host Abbie Chatfield tried to teach the disregarded idiots men about erogenous zones, and unsurprisingly Joey and mullet boy Mitch didn’t know what the term meant. Go figure.
Taco Tuesday Mikey reckoned “the boobs” are the most effective zones while newly-appointed FBoy Simon said “the toes”. VOMIT.
Abbie then took some chalk to spell out a word that clearly these men have never uttered before, “girlfriend”, and while this is meant to be a joke, it was absolutely not funny at all…
The day after the Elimination
After sweet, sweet Nick’s return to the Resort in episode four, he became concerned over having some competition and was all like: “Who da fuq is Vernon?”. Meanwhile, ol’ mate stache-boy was not thrilled about Nick’s comeback either, made worse by the fact that the other guys told him he should be worried. LOL.
Over in the Villa, Molly continued to be on cloud nine before admitting that she was “smitten” by Vernon. However, their talk was interrupted by the doorbell and the appearance of Grand High FBoy (GHFB) Caleb.
Caleb had come offering bribes a.k.a chicken burgers, hoping to win over Ziara after their nice date; but Molly was suss over the gesture and Sophie’s burger “went down the wrong hole”.
Group Date – The Talent Show
In a challenge that precisely not one person in Australia asked for, it was time for competition to see who could do the absolute least.
Titled “If you show me yours, I’ll show you mine: The talent show”, da boiz were about to be judged by Sophie, Ziara, Molly and consequentially, Australia as a whole.
While Ziara was keen to see who was putting in the most effort for her, Abbie was just thrilled to be able to “gong” those who were sh**. But, before it could even start, we were subjected to filth, as #dadshoes Darcy admitted that one of his talents came from the use of his tongue. While we saw a split-second preview, thank God, we weren’t subjected to the rest of it…
Brit Benny came to the party with some “savage roasting” of the other guys, calling peroxide Justin “Draco Malfoy” (new name incoming) while he asked tatt-man Chris if he went to prison for his “sh** tattoos or did it get done in there?”. LAWL. Molly and Ziara awarded him a seven while Sophie gave him a nine, admitting that she could see herself leaving the island with him.
Then it was time for sweet sweet Nick who recited a poem about a girl named “Polly”. Since we all know men who sing or rhyme on reality TV…shouldn’t, Abbie cut him off after the first three lines. Naturally, Molly loved it.
Stache-boy Vernon, Nick’s arch-nemesis, rode a unicycle as a clown, which was fitting given his behaviour and Molly rewarded him with a measly three.
Next up was hot name Izaya, who had also prepared a poem but because he was nervous AF, stumbled over it before actually, kinda, sorta doing OK. Ziara said she thought he’d actually be a great poet IRL because he’s hot.
Unsurprisingly with this group, literally, not one person had any talent and we were punished with a montage of it. However, an honourable mention must be given to GHFB Caleb for giving the absolute worst, performing some sort of whistle gyration. And…Ziara thought it was “hot”…👀
Shooting his shot, pro-BBaller Cory just bounced a basketball with Ziara giving him a 10 because it was “so cute”; while his arch nemesis, #dadshoes Darcy, rocked up in a bow tie, shorts, long socks and fake glasses previously worn by Abbie in Limbro. He decided to perform dad jokes and after precisely one second, Ziara was like all of us when she begged for it to stop.
Given the whole thing was an absolute wasteland of talent, Izaya won. Which says a lot….
The Mixer
During the mixer, cOnTenT CReaTor Clay asked GHFB Caleb what his “game plan” was. Opening up his peacock feathers, Caleb told the guys about the chicken burger delivery, refusing to draw attention to himself because “Z” already knows “what’s going on”. FML.
When the girls arrive, Ziara wanted zero drama (FORESHADOWING) and Molly was just all about sweet sweet Nick; and even though everyone only saw each other five minutes ago, everyone hugged and kissed like it was the first time.
Dad joke Darcy was worried that everything was “stagnated” between him and Ziara particularly after they had “sprouted” so well, so he decided on a grand gesture. Chicken nuggies.
Then, sweet sweet Nick and Molly stole some alone time; while Sophie decided to suss out tatt-man Chris, who revealed he’d been previously engaged. Meanwhile, Benny was ignoring her and she was like WTAF?!
Since all the guys now think grand gestures involve fried foods, pro-Bballer Cory decided to rock up with french fries and dad joke Darcy was not f**king laughing. While Cory and Ziara connected over fast food, Darcy was fuming because nuggies were “far superior” to french fries.
But then, while Darcy was talking to Ziara about five-year plans, Cory interrupts, mocking Darcy and trying to pinch some food before all the other guys came over to try and steal some. This ENRAGED ol’ mate D-man who picked them up and… threw them on the floor.
The whole thing was supremely uncomfortable to watch, but it wasn’t as bad as seeing them chew the nuggies without sweet ‘n’ sour sauce…
Clearly an overreaction, Molly was unimpressed and Ziara called him “selfish”, before walking off. GHFB then told dad jokes that he should be a “gentleman”, which is RICH coming from him, and Darcy was sad.
The next day, GHFB Caleb decided it was time for Darcy to go home while simultaneously calling out Cory, alluding to the fact he had some tea to spill.
The Single Dates
Sweet sweet Nick and Molly had a single date with Nick telling Molly his new house nickname, “Cuddle Bear”. Obviously, because he likes to cuddle and be the little spoon. Molly admitted that she had also heard another nickname, “Big D**k Nick”… which is great for her. They kiss. Blah blah…
Meanwhile, Sophie and brown eyes Joshy were having a picnic in the middle of a bush while eating oysters. Weird flex, but Ok… While Sophie didn’t like the aftertaste, Joshy said “I do”, and he was clearly not talking about shellfish.
Sophie admitted she thought Joshy was the “most genuine man on this island” (hard agree) and tells him that he “underestimates” himself. They make out in the waterfall. Cute.
After the dates, Abbie surprises the girls with an “FBI Board” a.k.a a FBoy Investigation Board at the Villa, which frankly, all single women should have in their homes.
They talk about all the guys and where they sit on the chart and Molly calls stache-boy Vernon “a risk” while Sophie is infatuated by all her front-runners and they inform Abbie of dad joke Darcy’s “nugget tantrum”.
Elimination Night
Finally, it was time to banish some men to Limbro and after the previous night’s antics, this sh** couldn’t come soon enough.
GHFB Caleb is ready to throw some grenades at pro-BBaller Cory, telling the ladies that he basically lied about his age. Come again?! Appaz he told Sophie he was 32 but he told GHFB Caleb he was 35. SO, WHICH ONE IS IT CORY?
COnTenT CReaTor Clay also throws Cory under the bus, leaving Darcy positively thrilled. GHFB Caleb and Cory then have some words, which made Ziara question everything.
Unfortunately, we weren’t given any answers because Abbie was too excited to talk about #ChickenNuggieGate.
“I just have one question, guys. What the f**k,” she asked before dad jokes Darcy tries to defend himself…which was an actual joke.
Sophie put tatt-man Chris and Brit Benny into her bottom two and Benny was shocked to hear his name called, even though he pretended he didn’t hear it.
Molly chose who the actual f**k is Ben for her bottom two, alongside who the actual fork is Jonathan; while Ziara put up chicken nuggies Darcy and… french fries Cory.
Ziara then called Darcy “immature” and said Cory had shown her a side she didn’t like. Obviously, Molly had no idea who her bottom two even were while Sophie said she was “confused” by why Benny was being “distant”.
Pleading his case, Darcy thought that a poem would save him… while Cory claimed that his intentions were “pure”. LELELELEL.
Glossing over Molly, because seriously, who are these people?! Benny then admitted that he felt “intimidated” by the others which caused him to retreat.
The Verdict
Praise be! Dad jokes Darcy was eliminated by Ziara, Molly got rid of one of the anonymous men (Johnathan) and Sophie dumped tatt-man Chris.
It turns out, Darcy was a Nice Guy (which is so f**king concerning), Jonathan was a Nice Guy and Chris was… also a Nice Guy. WOW.
FBoy Island Australia 2023 is streaming now on Binge.
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