Hell yeah, it’s commitment ceremony time – aka the whole point of watching Married At First Sight.

Belinda and Patrick are, unsurprisingly, happy and choose to stay. I’m happy for them but also that’s not why we’re here. We’re here for people yelling at each other and saying things on TV that will probably have some sort of blowback on their personal lives.

Falling into the second category are Alana and Jason.

“The sex is good,” Alana says (again). “When we have sex, Jason will always make me cum as well. It’s actually a huge deal for me.”

Look, we’re all happy for her and A+ for women owning their sexuality, but Alana is a teacher. Can you imagine, for just one second, being a twelve year old in the midst of puberty and a teacher at your school goes on national telly and says that? Kids these days all have phones, she’s for sure going to wind up with that clip playing on the class clown’s phone every time she enters a classroom.

Moving on. Russell and Beth have not been going so great, and Russell chooses to leave which is not something I saw coming. Beth chooses to stay though, so Russell is stuck for another week.

Jake and Beck are up next. Jake says that his wife keeps calling him boring and generally being a Sasshole, so naturally the Sasshole pis pissed. She says something about astrology (honestly, my brain just tunes her out at this point, it’s like the teacher in Charlie Brown) and John Aiken finally snaps.

“Well, I’ll tell you where I’m at. I’ve listened to this. I’ve heard this. And I’m exhausted,” he says.

“There are two people on the couch in front of me, and only one of them is warm and empathetic.”

“Rebecca, it’s not you.” 

Sasshole defeated, they both choose to stay for some reason,

On to Bryce and Melissa who are just straight up delusional at this point. Melissa says Bryce “makes me feel really special,” and Bryce says their relationship is “easy and comfortable”. Lies. They choose to stay.

Obviously, Booka and Brett both decide to stay.

Samantha and Cam have apparently not even stayed in the same room this week, and Samantha writes leave because she has dignity. Cam chooses to stay, we can only assume to get to know Coco better, which means Samantha is trapped for another week. The experts tell them to actually move in together this week, which will absolutely not end in one of them killing the other.

Speaking of Coco, she and Sam hit the couch and immediately blow up.

“I’ve been told I’m not cool, I’m not funny, my one-liners are too corny, I’m too loud, my body’s not attractive to him. It’s just constant put-downs,” says Coco.

“It’s a load of absolute rubbish. I find her to be too much, she’s too full on. I can’t remember one time I’ve put her down or been nasty,” declares Sam, who has absolutely spent the entire experiment dunking on every aspect of Coco’s personality and looks.

Bryce takes on this role as the voice of Australia and calls Sam a dickhead.

Coco chooses to leave, but then after all this Sam chooses to stay????? Buddy, why?

“I can’t speak. This is out of control. I’ve always been kind and nice to Coco,” he lies as he walks out.