married at first sight
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Married At First Sight EP5: Grab your interpretive dancing shoes

It’s always a good sign when a woman breaks down at her wedding because she hates the guy she’s marrying so much but this is Nine’s glorious trainwreck, Married At First Sight, so really what else were we expecting?

Anyway, first up is Belinda and Patrick. Belinda has never had a boyfriend before and is a dancer. Patrick is equally as awkward who describes himself as “not Brad Pitt, but not Tony Abbott either”.

These two seem like they actually like each other, which is very rare on this show. They’re so awkward to watch it’s almost painful, and I straight up nearly throw a brick through my screen when Belinda decides to do an interpretive dance for her new husband. It’s bad enough when those videos of women hip-hop dancing or twirling around in cowboy boots go viral, but interpretive dancing at your wedding is a whole new level of cringe. Do not do this.

Our other wedding of the night is Russell and Beth. Russell has one of those airport massage chairs that you put $2 into, and this is all I feel like I need to know about him. That and the fact that his only request in a wife is that “she’s a normal human and not some kind of weirdo.” 

Beth is 39 and really, really wants kids. We get one of the only real moments of humanity from the experts when Mel tells her how she met her partner at 39 and had a baby at 42, but then it’s immediately back to the chaos. 

Russell’s vows include gems such as “I, Russell, take you, Beth, to be my partner in crime. I mean life. I mean wife. It appears auto-correct has really stepped it up a notch here,” “I promise to cherish and hold you as much as my dirt bikes,” and “I know having each other by our sides can only lead to greatness. And it would really help to have a spare pair of hands at the track when the racing’s on.”

Beth is NOT having it.

During the pictures she has a teary breakdown, and even though she says it’s because she’s overwhelmed, we can all see that isn’t the case.

We leave the evening off with Patrick and Belinda checking in to their room only to find that the toilet is free-standing in the space with not so much as a wall for privacy. Even for real couples this would be horrifying so I’m not sure who designed this monstrosity in the first place, but you know the producers were stoked when they found it.

Patrick sums it up, saying he’s “going from meeting her yesterday to having a shit with no door? That’s one extreme to another.”

Christ almighty, tomorrow is the dinner party.