This entire episode of Married at First Sight can be summed up by that reaction image of John Mulaney saying “now, we don’t have time to unpack all of that.”

This episode sucks in a myriad of ways, but I guess we’re not exactly watching it for moral guidance now, are we?

We open with Jo and James, and James has disappeared. He’s left his wedding ring on the bathroom sink, and Jo is pissed. I’d wonder where he was, but I really don’t care, and he shows up eventually anyway so it doesn’t matter. He and Jo get into it, and he ends the argument with the classic line “Who are you to me? You’re nothing to me.” Charming.

In Bryce and Melissa’s apartment, Bryce is having one single moment of clarity. “I probably came across as a brat, and to be fair, if that’s the way I came across last night, then that’s who I am,” he says. Before he can follow that train of thought the whole way through, Melissa jumps in and says that he’s done “everything in a relationship that I’ve ever wanted” which is unbelievably depressing.

Back at HQ, the Married at First Sight experts are pairing up our new brides and grooms. 

First up is 29-year-old prison caseworker Liam, who had a troubled upbringing and is the experiment’s first openly bisexual man. He says he’s been in relationships with men and women, but he reckons he wants to settle down with a woman so he can start a family. 

Alessandra says, “For somebody who’s openly bisexual, we certainly need to pair him up with someone for whom this is not an issue.” 

You see what I mean about this entire episode and “now, we don’t have time to unpack all of that”?

Liam is matched with 25-year-old Georgia, international event planner, bikini designer, and living embodiment of Elle Woods.

The second couple to be matched is theatre producer Johnny and occupational therapist Kerry. Both have been previously married, and are hoping this will be their last marriage. It’s MAFS, so I’m doubtful, but I love the enthusiasm.

The rest of the contestants pile out of minibusses to attend the two new couple’s weddings, and proceed to act like an entire pack of drunk uncles.

At Johnny and Kerry’s wedding, James shouts out that “you guys make a good couple!” 

“From the outside!” adds Jo, helpfully.

At Liam and Georgia’s wedding, Georgia is clearly filling the Coco-sized hole in the show. Thankfully, unlike Sam, Liam seems to be matching her energy.

At the reception, producers have clearly primed The Sasshole with questions. She asks about non-negotiables, and then what happens if your partner “didn’t swing your way?” 

The producers have outdone themselves here. Liam says “No, it’s fine.” and Georgia straight up asks him if he’s bisexual. So Liam gets forced out on national TV, by The Sasshole of all people.

Later in the evening, Georgia reassures Liam that “I honestly believe that whatever you’ve done before led you to be here, so as long as you choose to be with me, then it doesn’t bother me.”

“Whatever you’ve done” feels like a line from a movie where someone is forgiving a criminal, not accepting someone for being bisexual, but whatever. Again, we don’t have time to unpack all of that. Maybe we should just burn the entire suitcase instead.