Yummy Mummies Aren’t So Sweet

  1. If cooking, singing or renovating isn’t your jam, last night saw the premiere of Channel 7’s new train wreck of a TV show Yummy Mummies

It’s basically The Real Housewives of Melbourne/Sydney minus the verbal and physical abuse, substituted with their “newest fashion accessory” A.K.A, the baby bump. I suppose growing an actual human inside you means less chance for combat and more room for passive aggressive behaviour.

After watching the first two episodes last night, I still have no idea what the premise of the show is. Whether it’s an actual competition or just the chance to give four women their fifteen minutes of fame is unclear, but people are still going to watch it.

Lorinska, Rachel and Jane are all from Melbourne and have formed their own exclusive mothers club, where they complain about unfashionable maternity clothing and waltz in and out of designer stores. The structure of their friendship, much like the show itself, is really ambiguous. Are these three best friends? Do they even like each other? And how the hell do they even know each other?

This is who Lorinska, Jane, Rachel and Maria aspire to be. Source

They discuss hot topics over a cheeky mocktail, like the reality of caring for a child. Spoiler alert: breasts are actually used to feed newborn children. Who’d have thought? But poor Lorinska cannot fathom the idea of breastfeeding her baby, due to a traumatic childhood incident where a farmer was milking a cow and it squirted milk at her. Those rascally farmers. You really can’t make this stuff up. My favourite part of that whole anecdote was the reactions from Rachel and Jane: they are completely understanding and offer a sympathetic nod, as if that whole situation actually makes any sense.

Then we jump over to Adelaide where Maria is having a mental breakdown over the size of the room her mother, Margherita, booked for  “Adelaide’s biggest Burberry baby shower.” I wouldn’t think the stakes are that high.

Staff member of the venue and innocent bystander, Jess, is told she needs to cancel the wedding that is happening in the bigger room so Maria can have her baby shower there – a totally valid request.  While Maria grunts in disgust at the feng shui of the room and “boring” chandelier, sweet angel Jess saves the day by whipping out her iPad to let Maria scroll through an Instagram account, run by none other than… you guessed it: the Melbourne Mums.

The hashtags speak for themselves. Source

Fast forward through all the nasty comments from Maria about fashion choices and cakes, she has decided to invite these women to her baby shower. The show has taken yet another unexpected turn and become some weird Catfish thing for mums-to-be. Is anyone else keeping up?

Someone call Nev and Max, this is all too much. Source

Because the Melbourne mums “have nothing else to do”, they hop on the next flight to Adelaide where they are disgusted at the sight of trees and wish to return from the outback in an instant. But they feel refreshed after arriving at Maria’s mansion, which looks like the real-life adaptation of Barbie’s Dreamhouse, and are right back at home in the safety and security of unnecessary wealth.

They exchange small talk over a fully catered morning tea and jump back into hot topics like breastfeeding. I’m disappointed that Lorinska doesn’t go into her Vietnam-like traumatic story, but something even better happens. Maria sets feminism back about twenty years by saying she will not breastfeed her child in public, to which Rachel and Lorinska agree that they will only do so if completely necessary and they have a cover. Then Jane chimes in to say she will breastfeed whenever and wherever, because her baby’s needs come first. On ya Jane! She seems like the only normal one in this circus explosion. In this weird friend group of Sex and the City wannabes, she is Charlotte.

Is anyone going to talk about how much Rachel looks like Sarah Jessica Parker? Source
Is anyone going to talk about how much Rachel looks like Sarah Jessica Parker? Source

Maria then decides to give her new frenemies a guided tour of the house, including her Chanel powder room and fully-stocked designer nursery, to which Lorinska does not respond well. Apparently, Maria having bought matching outfits for her, Carlos, baby and dog is a little too much for Lorinska to handle. Too much for the same woman that demanded her husband by her a $99,000 ring as a ‘push present.’

NB: a ‘push present’ is an expensive gift your husband buys you for pushing a bowling ball out your flower. Apparently the miracle of life just isn’t enough.

The second episode finishes with Lorinska joking that she looks too good in her silver dress and may outshine Maria at her own baby shower. Oh, come on. This show can’t be real, can it?

I’d like to point out that I only watched Yummy Mummies for research purposes and I got the exact impression I did from the preview: a bunch of women using their unborn children as a commodity to compete with one another. It makes me wonder where producers draw the line at what is acceptable viewing material.

Note: changes have been made to the article since original publishing.