Bachelor Recap S5 E13: Matty J doesn’t like Brunettes

The Bachelor is back! We were all baited in to thinking that this episode was hometown visits but it is not. Damn you, Network Ten! Oddly enough, we start off this episode without the girls being together, mentioning how weird […]

The Bachelor is back! We were all baited in to thinking that this episode was hometown visits but it is not. Damn you, Network Ten!

Oddly enough, we start off this episode without the girls being together, mentioning how weird it is for there to be less of them each week. Well girls, there’s going to be a shock tonight, because a lot more of you are getting the boot! The Bachelor is taking out the trash, weeding out the weak and breaking more hearts tonight.

We abruptly start up with another Mario Party inspired game from Osher where the point system really doesn’t make any sense and you win by basically cheating. We’ve finally identified that Osher should include; activity creator, date card deliverer and rose ceremony event co-ordinator to his CV. It seems as though these are the only things he is capable of doing.

Osher organising more degrading games. Source.

Osher also mentions subtly that only four girls will go to hometown visits and there is obviously six of them. ALERT GIRLS, TWO ARE GOING HOME, WHY DO NONE OF YOU SEE THIS COMING.

The first activity requires the girls to rank themselves from most to least in a series of qualities like neatest and funniest, which is completely subjective. The worst part is that these rankings are on boxes which the girls must stand on and they are ranked in reverse order. These points are then added up together and I contemplate the mental capacity of all the teenage to thirty-year-old girls who honestly can’t be bothered with this amount of maths.

What is even happening. Source.

The game begins with all the girls slowly descending into madness as each of them try to compromise for each other while Elora remains stubborn with a cheeky smile on her face. I assume she is blinded by Matty and can’t count the numbers on the boxes.

Girls fighting about who’s the biggest bitch. Source.

Elora ends up going onto the next round of Mario Party games because the only way that you can get ahead in this game (like every other Bachelor style mini-game) show is by cheating or being stubborn (how very ironic).

The next game includes a mini-game from Mario Kart where you pop the ballons every time you share one of Matty’s deal breakers. The girls are given five blocks to place five deal breakers they share with Matty. Elora takes a peak a Florence. Flo doesn’t like it.

Flo mentions that it’s cheating even though she cheated in the quiz race a few episodes ago. Now who’s considerate Flo, huh. Too bad she is scared of the ballons popping so fails the quiz on purpose.

Florence and Cobie are then the next eliminated which means Elise and Elora move onto the final round.

Next, we assume that Elise and Matty are

getting married as they stand at the altar. Osher is outside rushing to try and get himself through an online minister’s course as Elise says her vows. Sadly, Osher stumbles at the last question, he can’t seem to get that monogamy is looked down upon in the bible.

Elise expressing her undying love for Matty. Source.

Elora, the alluring goddess of all that is good in the world, starts rambling on about how passionate and alluring she is. She finishes with an alluring sentence about how the two of them will “be invincible” in their future. Hun, you gotta get that rose first.

Because all the other activities meant nothing and all that matters is what Matty wants, he picks Elise and they go and watch James Blunt play piano. It looks as though they have chained James to the piano until he stops singing for their enjoyment.

Now I don’t know about you, but watching two people being semi sexual while watching James Blunt singing to them in person is extremely awkward television. What is even more awkward is the fact that once James is done, he just says “go on then.” Go on to what James? The ad break? No, Elise, I don’t want any bloody extra brand chewy alright.

James needs that extra gum! Source.
Single Date time!

You can always tell when it is the end of someone’s journey. Today it was Cobie’s penultimate downfall, and I just hope it ends fast. Sadly, it doesn’t.

For some reason, our Bachelor absolutely loves surprises and making his girls guess what the date is about even though there is no conceivable way that they can guess it. At least this time he gives Cobie a clue. A pink helmet. Literally. Could. Be. Anything.

Cobie guesses stand up paddle boarding. Unless you’re paddle boarding with the intent to kill or hurt somebody (like the other girls trying to steal your bf) I don’t think you’d need it hun.

When Matty almost leaves Cobie lol. Source.

Matty and Cobie end up going to a Jungle Gym type thing and Cobie mentions her fear of heights which surprises Matty. ALMOST EVERYONE IS AFRAID OF HEIGHTS MATTY, STOP ASSUMING THEY AREN’T. But, Cobie does it anyway because she will do anything a man tells her if there is a rose at the end of it (oh, the irony).

Once completed said gym, things between Cobie and Matty get intimate. She spills out her feelings to Matty and he kind of cuts her off. It’s coming Cobie, run. Run with everything you got, kiddo.

Matty then says all these nice things about Cobie like how she is nice and considerate, and nice… After taking up seven minutes of the time slot we finally get to Matty sealing the break up by saying, “I guess what the most frustrating thing is,

at times it’s all the perfect ingredients to fall in love with somebody and it just doesn’t happen.”

Cobie is upset she cant spend anymore time with The Bachelor. Source.

And with that, Cobie leaves. Kidnapped by another one of those cars that takes the girls to a faraway place where all the Bachelorette’s are held. Never to be seen again. I’m pretty sure Olena is there so you won’t be to lonely Cobes.

Rose Ceremony!

We get a shot of all the girls and it appears none of them are wearing bras except for Elora who doesn’t stop talking about wanting time with The Bachelor (foreshadowing to the max lol).

With Cobie gone, there is only one more girl to go. The girls are shocked to find Cobie is not coming back to the house, especially Elora. They are then told they have five minutes to steal from Cobie’s possessions and make their way to the execution of Elora Rose Ceremony.

Elora realising it is her time to go. Source.

As Elora is the only brunette left in the competition, she must go. Matty also didn’t like that she was wearing a bra, he felt as though she was remaining guarded when she really just wanted support. Florence crys, Tara confides and Elora erotically fire twirls her way out of the competition never to be seen again. No more alluring confessionals from our favourite alluring Bachelorette, Elora.

With two girls already heartbroken, I can’t wait to see how the remaining four react to getting either booted or winning Matty J’s heart. This is going to be an interesting two weeks.

Catch up on the Bachelor on Tenplay or watch on Wednesdays and Thursdays at 7:30 on Network Ten.