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Your favourite (and least favourite) MAFS brides as cocktails

Like any other reality TV show, Married at First Sight is a cocktail of drama with a shot of betrayal, a dash of bad editing and garnished with Australia’s sexiest genes. The MAFS brides have definitely been portrayed in a darker light compared to the grooms; they’re vicious, loud and apparently don’t realise they’re on national TV. Based on the strong personality traits of the women on MAFS, I’ve listed some satirical cocktail recipes for each character. Stir, sip and enjoy:

The ‘Martha’-tini

Martha seemed lovely and perfect, but now she’s more Kardashian than just meets the eye!

  • Zest of lemon for sour gossip and rumours
  • A nip of gin for her terrible drunken advice to Jessika at the dinner parties
  • A shot of Loreal foundation
  • An acrylic nail, finely chopped, to add flavour

‘Jess’-cow Mule

After the last few dinner parties, Australia has discovered that Jessika is a little desperate for some attention. She was literally undressing at the table to attract Tamara’s husband, Dan – who really isn’t as hot as everyone says he is.

  • Hyaluronic filler poured to the rim
  • Fluff from Mick’s flanny
  • For garnish, a photo of Nic’s expression when Jessika told him she’s grown to fancy him

MAFS brides cocktail

‘Susie’ Spritz

Susie was a newcomer and thankfully she has left the experiment. She was just as bad an Ines. She is condescending AF. She called her sweet and sensitive hubby ‘darling’ in the most cringe tone of voice. She also told him that he isn’t a man and has no balls.

  • A splash of bubbles (and troubles)
  • A whisper of ‘darling’ in a Sutherland shire accent
  • Three of Billy’s teardrops
  • A shred of the ‘soon to be’ divorce papers

Amar-’Ines’ Sour

Ines has been this season’s most controversial bride so far with her unenthusiastic attitude and straight up cruelty. Good riddance!

  • A pinch of ‘snack’
  • Shreds of her 2005 camo zip dress from the night of her ultimate betrayal
  • A dash of Bronson’s optimism to balance the flavour


Melissa has the most hilarious way of moving about when she speaks. In less than three seconds of expressing her frustration of how she ‘doesn’t get’ Dino’s philosophy and his general way of speaking, she would’ve done a  hair flip, seven aggressive blinks and three claps while leaning backwards.

  • A drop of sweat from constant stress and frustration
  • Add some of Dino’s trigger words for some bite
  • Add Dino’s phone with the recording of her conversation playing
  • A sprig of mint for some relief that she’s finally gone home

Melissa MAFS brides

‘Cyrrell’ & tonic

Cyrrell may have a good heart and means well at the end of the day, but most of us cannot get past her loud and aggressive tone, let alone the part where she attacked a small number of people.

  • A cup of low-quality Gin
  • Add a sprinkle of eyeliner that was grounded by one punch from her brother’s fist
  • Add some of the broken glass from Martha’s fruit bowl

Bloody ‘Heidi’

I like Heidi, I do. Her hair is wild, she’s a bit kooky and she has wonderful hand gestures. She also has a very attractive hubby and deserves all the happiness she is feeling right now in her relationship. But for once the experts are right, she is constantly sabotaging the relationship by getting overly frustrated over little things – like towels.

  • A sprinkle of emotions that were written down in her high school diary, squashed with tomato juice
  • A shot of loyalty flavoured vodka
  • A nose ring for garnish

‘Elizabeth’ Daiquiri

Aww, Elizabeth. She may be gone, but she left as a winner. Elizabeth was cheated on, lied to and unfairly treated by her husband and her on-screen rival, Ines. She may have had a strange way of going about the commotion, but she always considered her feelings and self-worth.

  • One strand of fake hair
  • A splash of girl power
  • Add Sam’s plane ticket for garnish.

MAFS brides elizabeth


Okay, she’s perfect, loved up with her special man, and when she smiles I feel warm sunshine crawling down my spine.

  • A big pour of faith and humanity
  • A cricket ball sliced into a heart shape
  • Two wedding rings
  • Some champagne to remind us we can celebrate true love found on reality television

Who’s your favourite MAFS bride? Tell us in the comments below!



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