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Riverdale Characters Would Be The Worst Valentine’s Ever

Riverdale is a melting pot of bizarre plot lines and too many dudes taking off their shirts for no reason. At this point, it’s pretty much an achievement to still be keeping up with the Netflix show. From flying babies to being attacked by bears, Riverdale has strayed pretty far from its ‘small town murder mystery’ origins. No matter what you think about the show, you can’t deny that the events that occur within Riverdale are not part of day-to-day life. But how would the ensemble of characters deal with a more conventional event, like Valentine’s Day?


Archie Andrews


Oh Archie, you big redheaded hunk of toxic masculinity and abs. Archie had some leeway for his idiocy in season one; he was just an average teenager who was discovering himself and learning who he wanted to be. Despite having to sit through some atrocious music numbers, he could be forgiven. However, even back then he still wanted to come across as the alpha male, but it wasn’t that much worse than most other hormonal teenage boys. Oh boy, how that has changed in the latest two seasons. Archie has become the archetype for every toxic male figures in television.


Gangster? Sure. Hate group leader? Basically. Angry prisoner? Absolutely. Underground street fighter? Yep. Vigilante? Chuck it on the list. Lumberjack? Honestly not as bad as the others, but that was there too.


While some of these tropes can influence many people’s biggest fantasies, it doesn’t translate well in real life. Keep that on the screen, or in the bedroom.


Archie riverdale


Veronica Lodge


Opinions on Veronica are totally divided. Some people love her, some people think she’s the worst. She’s either a rich bitch with intense eyebrows, or a girl (with bomb eyebrows) who actively works on her flaws and cares about her friends. No matter what you think of her, you have to agree that she would plan an awesome Valentine’s Day date. Start off the day with mimosas and finish up the night in her speakeasy. Or, just go straight to the shower sex.


veronica riverdale


Jughead Jones


Jughead is weird. He’s a weirdo. Which is exactly why he would proclaim he is too good for Valentine’s Day. He would make some pretentious claim about consumerism and quote a film from the 80s. By the end of his speech, you’d forget what you were even talking about in the first place. No Valentine’s Day for you.


jughead riverdale


Betty Cooper


It’s safe to say that if there’s a plot emerging in the show, you can bet that Betty will the one to eventually solve it. She’s intelligent, ruthless when she needs to be, and looks damn hot in a wig. However, her love life is already pretty messy so it would be a total nightmare to get in the middle of that.


betty riverdale


Cheryl Blossom


Cheryl may have started out as the textbook mean girl, but her character has arguably been the most well developed over the show. While she’s definitely become a better person, it doesn’t mean she’s flawless. Watch out if you get on her bad side, she can also do some serious damage in revenge.


cheryl riverdale


Toni Topaz


All rise for our almighty queer queen. Just like the others, she makes some questionable decisions, but Toni is still miles above the rest of the crew in terms of, well, pretty much everything. She’s determined like Betty, cares about her friends like Veronica and works a Serpent’s jacket like nobody else. On top of that, she doesn’t judge her girlfriend Cheryl based on rumours or stereotypes, she only cares about what she’s like when they’re together.


toni riverdale


Kevin Keller


In true ‘gay best friend’ trope fashion, Kevin would give all his best Valentine’s ideas to Betty. If you want to hook up with Kevin this Valentine’s, head on into the woods.



Image credit: Riverdale Facebook