Strap yourself in because it’s time for somehow even more Married At First Sight.

There are no weddings in this episode, instead we go and hang out with all our married couples to see what they’re up to on their honeymoons. With COVID-19 meaning we can’t all jump on a plane to Bali like usual, the couples are scattered around Australia instead.

First up are Jason and Alana, who – according to Alana – are very good at sex. “We had sex. We connect really well, sexually,” she brags. Honestly, they seem nice enough at this stage. It almost certainly won’t last, but we’re here for drama so let’s move on.

Melissa and Bryce are… not doing well. After the best thing he could come up with to call his new wife was “not ugly”, Bryce is mad at Melissa for being upset. Melissa asks if he can at least see where she’s coming from, and he says he does but that’s a straight-up lie. She apologises again, he just says “it’s fine,” instead of apologising for being terrible.

Later in the day, Bryce admits that he’s cheated on a partner before which is just peachy. He also doesn’t want to be labeled “a cheater” just because he cheated one time, especially when there are so many guys who are out cheating all the time. My hero.

Melissa is understandably not pleased.  My money is on these two for that couple that leave this experiment never wanting to hear each other’s names ever again. 

Moving on to Coco and Sam, and I thought the worst thing said would have to be “she’s not ugly,” but boy was I wrong. These two are presented with the same honesty box that has torpedoed Melissa and Bryce’s marriage.

“Name one quality you admire in me and one quality you don’t,” reads Coco. Sam calls her one-liners corny, which in all honesty they kind of are, but then it gets so much worse.

“How would your ex describe you?” asks Coco. I’m not sure what happens in Sam’s brain, but he says that “we didn’t really work out because she didn’t have features that I desire, which is a female with a bit of curve.”

“It’s frustrating for me, because it’s like, I need a girl with boobs, and it’s like, not everyone has big boobs, do you know what I mean? So it’s very frustrating.” 

My man just called women “females” AND admitted that he’s dumped people for a lack of boob. We don’t have time to unpack all of that, so let’s just burn the suitcase instead.

The one saving grace in this mess is Coco asking “Does the fact that I’ve got a body like a hot dog matter?” which apparently it doesn’t.

Yeesh.

Anyway, Joanne and James are on horses, and Joanne is pissed off. I’m assuming this is because riding horses is way worse than it looks, and having to get up early to ride an animal that smells like socks and could kill you if it wanted to would put me in a bad mood too (I said what I said). It’s tense, they snip at each other, but nothing overly exciting happens.

Booka and Brett are… there I guess. They seem happy, which again, is not what we’re here for.

Sam and Cam get the old bait-and-switch edit, where everything seems to be going great until it isn’t. Or more likely, everything is going great until the producers decided they need better TV and bring back the honesty box. Surprise surprise, it’s the “am I your type” question again.

Cam goes on about dating fit girls, and Sam gets mad because she doesn’t go to the gym. He then says that he doesn’t have an emotional connection with her, and so she gets even madder because they already slept together. Cam says he was just being honest and then storms off into the carpark.

Finally, Bec and Jake are still stuck in their perpetual awkwardness, until they actually sit down to have a proper conversation (communication works? Who knew). 

They have a really intense conversation about Jake’s mental health struggles. He says that the pressure of playing in the AFL resulted in such bad depression that he tried to take his own life. That experience lead him to set up his charity.

Bec says that she lost her Aunt to suicide as a child, and she seems genuinely moved by Jake opening up to her. Maybe all is not lost for these two yet.

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