I’m not convinced that we’ve had enough time to recover from episode two of Married At First Sight, but here we are at episode three.

We open with Sam and Coco who got married in the last episode, and look, Sam didn’t seem too happy with the match. Trying to turn over a new leaf the next morning, Sam asks Coco what she’s making for breakfast, and for some reason the answer to that is a ton of hummus on toast.

Anyway, on to the weddings!

First up is Alana and Jason.

“I am a hot teacher. Being a teacher at my age and looking the way I do can be a bit challenging,” says Alana, who goes on to tell us that “I definitely get pleasure from sex. Like, I love the feeling of the sex as it’s happening. It’s a good feeling.” 

We get it.

She then talks about how “coming to 30 without kids and a husband is not something I want with my life. That’s what’s pushed me to do something I wouldn’t normally do.” 

She’s been matched with Jason, a tradie who is still living his best party boy life.

Alana has a face rash the morning of the wedding, but Jason doesn’t seem to mind, or notice. He calls her smoking hot, and she cries about meeting the father of her children. This seems like it’ll get interesting further down the line, but for now I guess they’re fine.

On to wedding two! Next up is single mother-of-three and barber, Jo. She is matched with luxury car dealer James, who the experts have decided can give Jo a sense of stability. This immediately falls apart when Jo realises that James is wearing a Rollex and freaks out.

“I’m a Kmart shopper, and he looks like a Rolex shopper!” Jo says. “Hopefully you’re not a wanker!” which is a great thing to say to somebody you’ve just married.

And yet, somehow not the worst thing said tonight. 

On the honeymoons, Bec rejects a super awkward kiss attempt from Jake, and Booka and Brett seem to be getting along fine. But Melissa and Bryce get the honesty box, which always ends well.

Bryce asks Melissa what her first impressions of him were.

“When I first saw you, I turned to my nan and poppy and said, ‘He’s hot!'” she tells him. “Your eyes and your smile caught me off guard, they’re so pretty.”

“Am I your usual type?” Melissa asks Bryce, and here is where the train runs off the rails.

“I’ll be completely honest. Not 100 per cent. I’ve always gone for blonde hair, blue eyes. Definitely when I first saw you, I thought ‘Okay, not my type’. But… you have blonde hair.”

“But, I thought, she’s not ugly.”

It was as bad as it sounds.

“I feel like you’re a little hurt by what I said,” Bryce says into the nothingness. “Were you hoping for me to say that you were the most gorgeous girl in the world?” 

This man has clearly never heard of stopping while you’re ahead. But it turns out that the real victim here is Bryce.

“I’m pretty pissed off,” he says, and for some reason, Melissa apologises.

This will absolutely end well.