Every now and then, if we’re all very good boys and girls, Married At First Sight gives us the sort of smack down we’ve all been looking for. Admittedly we weren’t expecting it to come from Bryce’s mum, but that probably makes it better.
We open with Bryce whinging AGAIN that he’s the victim, he says that “I think Melissa and I are doing really well, and I blame my behaviour on the other toxic people in this experiment.” How is this man even real?
Whatever, we’ll get to that absolute plank later.
Newcomers Chris and Jaimie are checking into a hotel after getting into a fight after Chris accused Jaimie of “faking” their marriage. And look, we all know that this is a fake marriage and blah blah blah, but just go with it.
According to Jaimie, they decided to give it another week, but that’s not what Chris says.
“Did you or did you not say to me that you wanted me to pretend for another week and to stop being so nice to you because it was making you look like a bitch?” he fumes. Jaimie denies everything, but after all we’ve seen of her constantly putting him down, I’m more inclined to believe Chris’ version of events.
“If you’re gonna put an act on for cameras, that’s fine, I don’t need to be treated like this. I shouldn’t put myself in a position where you treat me like this. It’s wrong.” says Chris.
And he’s gone! Turns out you can literally just leave! Someone not accepting being treated like human garbage? On my Married At First Sight? It’s more likely than you think.
Melissa, babe, take notes.
The remaining newbie couples are getting put through that nightmare-inducing intimacy week crap, and surprise, it’s the hot or not scale.
Kerry ranks Brett number one for his “quirky indie vibe”, but when asked to add Johnny’s card she puts him first straight away.
Across the hall, Liam is ranking all the women – I can’t express how much I hate this activity – and puts Kerry at the top of his list. When given the card with his wife Georgia’s face on it, he ranks her second after a long pause.
“You’re blonde and I don’t really go for blondes. I like a brunette, like a darker colour,” Liam says, and Jesus tap-dancing Christ how many people on this show care about hair and eye colour?
Georgia decides not to go for revenge and puts Liam first.
The rest of the couples are doing “feedback week” which involves sitting in an empty theatre where they’ll be faced with the world’s biggest Zoom call. Turns out their families have seen footage of the commitment ceremonies and are here to judge them. Spicy!
First up are Patrick and Belinda, who are being stared down at by Belinda’s sister and brother-in-law and Pat’s mum and dad. Because these two actually resemble functional human beings, their families only have nice things to say.
Bryce and Melissa are up next, featuring Bryce’s mum and dad and Melissa’s mum and sister.
“What have you seen?” asks Bryce, ina way that implies that deep down, he knows he’s not the victim he desperately wants to be.
“Overreactions from you, Bryce,” says his mum, “probably a little bit concerning.”
“Bryce, I don’t know what possessed you to rank Melissa fourth. To be so stupid to say ‘oh, I thought I’d be honest’, that’s just dumb.”
“I truly believe all three experts have picked your personality. This is where the immaturity comes into it. You’re at an age now, Bryce, where enough is enough.”
“Melissa is there supporting you and you’re just embarrassing her. In all honesty, I don’t know why she’s there sitting next to you at this point.”
All hail Bryce’s pissed off mum.
Naturally, being told off on national TV hasn’t affected him at all. “I’ve never been happier and so comfortable with someone. I don’t see myself being with anyone else. I’m happy with how things are going,” Bryce says back in the apartment.
“I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said,” says Melissa, and girl, oh my god, RUN.
Finally, Bec and Jake have had a fight right before facing the theatre. Both reckon they’re done.
Bec’s mum says Jake has been exhibiting “destructive behaviour” and the two mums fight for a bit, but ultimately it doesn’t matter because these two look like they’re seconds from bolting out the door.