In case you were too busy watching the Harry and Meghan interview: it’s “intimacy week” this week on Married At First Sight, and quite frankly the name alone makes me want to curl up into a ball and die.

We open with the couples chatting about what happened in last episode’s commitment ceremony. Despite a handful of people choosing to leave, all of the couples made it through somehow, which is absolutely a good thing that won’t go wrong at all.

Samantha is pretty stoked that Cam stayed, and Beth’s reason for staying can really be summed up as ‘I want to keep my head on TV for a bit longer.’ James is mad that Jo wrote “Stay… for now” on her notepad.

Coco says she’s “mentally checked out” won’t let Sam move back in this week.

Anyway, turns out Bec and Jake aren’t living together either. Bec moved out and tbh I’d be absolutely cheering about that if I were Jake, but I am not Jake and the real Jake wants to go and try and smooth things over. He apologises for going out with the boys or whatever it is that’s annoyed the Sasshole today, and oh my God dude, just run.

Enter sexologist Alessandra. She says that this week is intimacy week, and that she wants to “watch everyone grow as a couple both emotionally and sexually”. She reckons she’s tailor-made some exercises for everyone, and I’m already in physical pain before we start.

Belinda and Patrick have to gaze into each other’s eyes for a bit, then do a ‘melted hug’, and then just straight up make out for ten minutes while someone has a camera shoved in their face. It’s insanely awkward and I hate it, and yet there’s no way this is getting better.

Bryce and Melissa get the eye gazing thing as well, and Bryce declares that he “actually likes” Melissa’s eyes “even if they aren’t blue”. Melissa is pissed again, and Bryce will be a set of getting those brightly coloured contacts for Christmas.

Cam and Samantha, have to do the melting hug thing, and it’s somehow even worse than Patrick and Belinda’s.

Then we get to Booka and Brett. They get given a box of “goodies” and are told to go to town. Booka chooses handcuffs and a feather whip and puts on a bad Russian accent. She aims for BDSM I guess and at this point I’ve reached levels of cringe I didn’t know were possible. They’re having fun I guess, but I assume everyone who opted for the Harry and Meghan interview over Married At First Sight didn’t have to deal with dominatrix impersonations and I’m jealous.