Sharks are back on the menu, boys
On Wednesday, federal environment minister Josh Frydenberg announced the possibility of shark culls on the NSW north coast. The suggestion comes only days after a 17-year-old surfer was mauled by a great white off the coast of Ballina. While I’m as scared of sharks as the next person, the idea of culling an endangered species because of a few attacks per year is excessive and ineffective. Besides if we’re going to commit piles of taxpayer moolah towards culling something, there are far more deserving candidates than sharks.
5. Cockroaches
These guys are at least five times worse than sharks. I mean when was the last time you got up in the middle of the night and saw sharks crawling all over your benchtops?
You know how they always appear to crawl up from underground? That’s because Satan himself couldn’t deal with them. The disease-ridden little fuckers can live for weeks without their heads and some varieties can even fly. Add on to that the ability to hold their breath for up to 40 minutes and you’ve basically got an immortal devil insect that has no place in society. #CullRoachesNotSharks
4. Bindis
Half plant, half hypodermic needle, the bindi has a special place in Australian society right alongside sunburn and red-back spiders. After all, in a country filled with poisonous insects/snakes/mammals, it’s actually kind of cute that the grass is also trying to kill us.
Having said that, surely our government could invest a little into reducing the abundant bindi population. 23 Australians were injured by sharks during 2015. Compare that to the 23 million Australians injured by bindis each year and it’s pretty clear which we should cull.
3. Oysters
Already bracing myself for the foodie attack on this one but sorry – oysters are not edible. Some down-on-his-luck guy thousands of years ago was like “hey, maybe I can sell this disgusting sea-phlegm to people if I call it gourmet” and voila. Oysters were born.
In addition to being more at home in a Kleenex than on a dinner plate, oysters are a great way to get food poisoning. Climate change is affecting the water quality that oysters grow in, making it increasingly likely that the next oyster you eat will be your last. If we’re going to cull anything in the ocean, let’s make it oysters.
2. Telemarketers
I feel for telemarketers, I really do. I know what it’s like to work a shitty job and have people be dicks to you. But on the other hand, you keep calling to sell me health insurance. I’m 23. I don’t need health insurance because the cold, bitter sting of my own mortality hasn’t hit me yet.
I wouldn’t be so pro telemarketer cull either if they weren’t so dishonest about their reason for calling. Telemarketers always like to start with the line “Don’t worry, I’m not trying to sell you anything”. C’mon Dinesh, we all know you’re not calling for a chat. No one calls me for a chat.
1. Josh Frydenberg
Let’s be perfectly clear before I continue. I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT ENDORSE LITERALLY CULLING ANYONE. Now that that’s settled, here’s why we can do without Frydenberg.
Minister for the Environment and Energy, Josh Frydenberg is possibly one of the best placed people in Australia to address climate change. On a related note, last year he said that “there is a strong moral case” for the construction of the $16 billion Adani-owned Carmichael coal mine in central Queensland. Minister Frydenberg argued that the construction of the mine would help bring people in India out of poverty by providing cheap electricity. I mean the mine will also release more carbon dioxide each year than Denmark, Sweden and Norway combined but hey – that’s the next (Labor) environment minister’s problem.
Coincidentally, the huge amount of CO2 released by the opening of such a mine could inadvertently reduce shark numbers. Increased CO2 levels causes seawater to acidify, which in turn reduces the ability of sharks to hunt, which overtime could reduce their populations. This also raises the scary question – is Josh Frydenberg a diabolical genius who planned all along to cull sharks via CO2 emissions?
Sharks can be scary. Personally I’m scared of anything with more teeth than me. But they’re also incredible creatures who are so important to healthy ocean eco-systems. They don’t attack humans on purpose (we taste like shit), and overwhelmingly stay out of our way. When better alternatives already exist, why do we need to cull sharks?
