As someone with no experience of children, gets easily addicted to trashy reality shows and has been pronouncing Versace as “Ver-sayse” for the better half of their life, I’m the last person who should be judging Channel 7’s new program Yummy Mummies.

But to the good audience of Chattr who don’t have an hour to spare to cringe through the hour-long advertising for Versace (pronounced: vur-sah-chee) I’m going to do it for you. Although, I do recommend re-evaluating your work schedule to fit in time for some truly unbelievable viewing.

During episode three Lorinska, Jane and Rachel “accidentally” arrive early to Maria’s baby shower; they’re really stuck for something to do in Adelaide. They trot down the runway in their scantily clad outfits whilst holding their respective bellies, reminding the audience that they are hot and pregnant. The modern woman really can have it all.

The gang judges the empty room, faux Versace cake and then laugh in horror at the balloons printed with Maria’s sonogram. No one comments that it looks like a crisp lasagne and I am disappointed.

Dozens of middle aged women arrive at the venue and The Yum Mums stand awkwardly in the corner as Maria arrives in a horse-drawn carriage. I double check that I haven’t accidentally switched over to a Kath and Kim re-run, but am reassured when Maria’s mum Margherita graces the screen to remind us that her daughter is in a league of her own. Once again, I’m still trying to figure out if this show is an actual competition.

Maria enters the room looking like Paris Hilton circa 2007 and is applauded upon her arrival, because her pregnancy is the most important event since the immaculate conception of Jesus Christ himself. As she sits in her literal throne she comments that the competition is heating up (so, it is a competition? Still unclear).

After what feels like 4000 passive aggressive comments between Maria and Rachel, Margherita’s humble brother takes to the stage as MC.

Donned with a bleach blond mullet and referred to as Uncle Shane, he is a fresh reminder that this is all taking place in Adelaide.

He invites Maria and the girls up to dance to ‘The Time Warp’ while holding inflatable guitars. Then Margherita crashes the stage and the whole situation is actually more confusing and inappropriate than The Rocky Horror Picture Show itself.

Then, with absolutely no explanation, Margherita has had a wardrobe change and begins dancing to a Meghan Trainor song, accompanied by children in tutus and professional male dancers. Maria responds with “oh, that’s just Mum”, making the audience wonder what goes down when the cameras aren’t rolling.

And because there just wasn’t enough plot twists, a male Donatella Versace impersonator makes an appearance to add a touch of class and finish off Adelaide’s biggest baby shower.

While Marg squabbles over which bikini is appropriate for Maria’s sexy maternity shoot, the Melbourne girls attend a prenatal class to learn about their lady bits and how to get through birth okay. I get the feeling that Lorinska never took a sex education class, because the realisation that her uterus will grow to watermelon-like proportions completely blindsides her.

Maria and Marg discuss the opportunity to wear a ball gown and/or crown to Lorinska’s shower and a lady at the table next to them has the audacity to feed her hungry baby.

Just as I was looking up to Marg as my new feminist icon, second only to Samantha from Sex and the City, she contemplates confronting the woman to ask her to stop breast feeding. Congratulations: we’re in 1950.

Back at their birthing class, Melbourne’s own Carrie, Miranda and Charlotte are excited by the prospect of a bit of ol’ fashioned nipple twiddling during labour, and suddenly Lorinska is fully prepared for birth.

After a day of spending more money than the price of a one-bedder in Sydney/one serve of smashed avo, Carlos and Maria argue about how much luggage she can bring to their three day babymoon (that’s a thing apparently).

I get the vibe that all Carlos wants to do is watch the footy and crack a cold one with the boys.

Maybe he can take a sip every time Maria mentions Versace, the fact that she’s pregnant or Margherita bursts into an unwarranted dance routine. That’s going to be my new game for the next episode.