Tonight’s episode began with the morning after the wedding. We begin with Clare and the Fitzy lookalike Jono, who wake up side by side, ‘one-night stand’ fashion in a messy hotel room. Apparently no “funny business” occurred according to Jono – not surprising since he was so visibly displeased with his wife last episode.

“We both passed out cold, it was very romantic,” Clare joked.

I guess Clare’s idea of romance is about as warped as her idea of marriage.

Next, we find ourselves in Simone and Xavier‘s room where Simone lets us know “so far: really happy!” Wow, half a day and one night later – you guys are super inspirational, how do you do it?!

Bryce & Erin

Bryce whips out a Tiffany necklace for Erin to which she replies “Fuck off.” Classy.

She then let all of us at home know that she has an extensive vocabulary of which she uses to express her emotions: “Holy shit. I died. Fuck. Fuck me. That was so cute.”

Hope the kids weren’t watching.

Her next words of wisdom are “That’s so nice, that you like, bought something for someone you didn’t even know.” Babe, he married someone he didn’t even know, how can any of this come as a shock to you?

Simone & Xavier

Simone and Xavier bond over their similarities in making beds, drinking flat whites and having eggs on toast for dinner. These two clearly take life by the balls.

“He’s just like me but, a male version.”

Simone could have been just as easily pleased dating her brother it seems. Aaaaaand the most boring couple of the show award goes to…

Clare & Jon

Jono officially became the sooky la-la of Married at First Sight when paddling in a river he constantly referred to his upcoming death by crocodile.

“We’re going to die”

“Something touched my paddle”

“Look at the teeth mark on those things”

“What the fuck is that?” – Jon

“That’s a leaf” – Clare

“It looks like a snake!” – Jon

Whilst Clare’s idea of calming is teasing (every 4th grader’s flirt technique), Jono comments that a deal breaker is someone trying to control him. Hopefully Clare’s deal breaker isn’t a whinging sook or this marriage is already doomed.

After the water ordeal Clare picks up an actual dead snake on the side of the road (not a dead leaf) and throws it at Jono. His voice reaches new levels as he squeals and runs away. Aw, cute…

The tension doesn’t last long though, as they end up at a waterfall making out and Jono dubs it “the best day ever.” Lucky there were no crocs in this river then.

Christie & Mark

Christie and Mark had a bad start at their wedding and an even worse first dinner date with dull banter and awkward silence.

“How’s your bread?”

I guess the Great Wall of Christie doesn’t only exist in the bedroom.

Mark & Christie then decide to hit the water to go snorkelling – well Mark snorkels whilst Christie smiles down at him clawing at the glass, potentially plotting his drowning.

“He’s not a guy I’d normally go for. He’s definitely growing on me.”

Damn girl, slow down with the compliments. Someone print this on a card!!!!

Afterward, in the pool things get a little heated with Mark kissing Christie under her chin.

“It just feels really natural.” Does it though?

Things seemed to have progressed quickly from there, as the next day a bathrobe strung across the floor seems to indicate the Great Wall of Christie came down for a night.

“I am a gentleman so yes, between husband and wife, I think I’d like to keep a little bit of our private life private. I guess.”

Lucky you guys didn’t sign a contract to allow camera crews into your private life then.