Mariah Carey, our eternal Aries optimist, is famous for singing “all I want for Christmas is you”. How cute. But if you’re not as nice, nor festive, as Mariah, maybe your Christmas wish is the same as mine – revenge on those who did you wrong in 2019.
I’m not a bad person, okay. That lady who yelled at me at work? I don’t want her to die. I don’t want her to contract a terminal disease. I just want her to experience some mild discomfort in return for her rudeness. That asshole who stole my parking spot last week when I’d been indicating for it for a solid three minutes? I don’t want his house to be infested by termites, but it’d be nice if he stepped on his kids’ Lego or something. See? I’m fucking nice.
If you have some karma credit to dish out this Christmas, look no further. Here are ten minor inconveniences, courtesy of Reddit, to wish upon your enemies that won’t make you a bad person:
Get stuck at every single red light on your way to work
In a rush? Goddamn boo, that’s too bad. Bonus satisfaction if your enemy speeds through a yellow light and cops a hefty fine on a double demerit day. It’ll be more satisfying than your Gran’s Christmas pudding, trust me.
One cold spot in every bowl of microwaved food
Trying to reheat your nachos, Karen? I hope you get a mouthful of cold mince, and your cheese doesn’t melt properly.
Never able to find a pen that works
Are you on an important phone call, desperately needing to write something down? Ain’t that a shame. Do you need to write a shopping list? Looks like you’re going to forget a vital ingredient.
Every website forgets your password – every time
Have fun resetting your Gmail password every second day. You’d better brush up on your mother’s maiden name because security questions are going to be all over you like herpes.
Have the ‘eyelash stuck in your eye’ feeling 24/7
Happy blinking. It won’t be this sexy, I promise.
Consistently running out of toilet paper when you, uh, really need it
Bonus joy if this happens somewhere super inconvenient, like at work or your in-laws’ place.
The need to sneeze, but the inability to do so
You might need a plan B for breathing, Brenda.
A perpetual collection of small rocks stuck inside your shoes
Despite taking your shoes off and shaking them outside, there’s always going to be a sneaky, sharp pebble nestled somewhere inside your shoe. Hey, at least it’s not glass. We’re not that mean.
Your shoelaces never stay tied
Trippin’ on acid? Not this Christmas – there are lacier threats at hand. If you’re into your Converse hi-tops or Doc Martens, you’re in for a bad time.
Your sleeves slip down every time you’re washing your hands and stay damp and mouldy all day
Especially if this happens on a cold day, you’re screwed. Just remember, you deserve this pain. It’s someone’s Christmas wish. Joy to the World.
Do you have any minor inconvenience ideas to wish upon your enemies? Let us know in the comments below!
Images via Giphy