Whether this is your first exam period or your last, the few short but seemingly never-ending weeks of exams and final assessments are never fun.

Never. Fun.

During this time universities love to crank out lots of feel good vibes, free food, cute animals and dedicated study sessions to generate some positivity as you, brave soldier, try to remember how hedging works or why Foucault was important (I’m still not sure, but it’s got something to do with Big Brother).

I’m entirely of the other persuasion. Examination periods are a right fuckfest where students are pitted against each other for the ‘honour’ of getting one of six letters on their academic record, and let’s not pretend otherwise. At times it can seem like the examiners marking methods depend very little on the assessment criteria, and more on how much they like you or how many Ds they’ve already given out (you’re dead to me bell-curve system).

So rather than give you another contrived pep talk, I’m here to tell you how to realistically survive the sick, sadist excuse that are exams.

Eat whatever you want, diets are for happy people

Around this point in the year you’ll start articles like ‘top 10 study foods’ and ‘exercise your way to better study’. Now while I can’t disprove that blueberries will give you an HD, I can say for certain that exam time is not the time to start a health kick. Study food is food that helps you study. If downing a family-sized block of Cadbury or a 40pack of McNuggets helps you through the day then go for it. Exam calories don’t count.

Do not change out of your pyjamas unless you’re going outside. Even then, it’s still optional

Studies have shown* that comfy people are smarter, live longer and have better sex lives.  And what’s more comfortable than your jammies? Staying in bed all day is frowned upon; but staying in bed all day because you were studying deserves a medal and a ticker-tape parade. You’re not being lazy – you’re being proactive by reducing the amount of time spent changing clothes.

*No study was actually done. Just like weeks 1-12 at university.

No friends. Only memes.

Being able to have a social life AND good grades is a myth perpetuated by university marketing teams. Those fiendish minxes.

But I understand how some of you will still crave the joy and connection that relationships bring, so I offer you an alternative: memes. Memes will be there exactly when you want to procrastinate, and they will be there to console you at 3am in the morning when you’ve procrastinated too hard. I guarantee you – memes offer all the human connection you could possibly need, with none of the human hassles you can’t afford during exams.

You drink coffee now, not water.

Water is clear, crisp and pristine. It oozes life and positivity.

Which is exactly why you must not drink it for the entirety of the exam period. Instead you will replace your fluid intake with coffee, preferably black coffee so that your insides match the general emotional atmosphere on campus. Drink as much as you can, as often as you can – if you’re sleeping you’re doing it wrong.

Remove your ability to feel emotions, or anything at all really

Studying is hard but it’s made a lot easier if you stop worrying about your results so much. In fact stop worrying about everything – embrace complete nihilism as you realise the 20K+ degree you’ve spent years slaving over will probably only get you a part-time job with no prospect of ever being able to afford a house or the life your parents had. Happy exams!